Thoughts for a Monday

I am a working mom. It’s hard. Everyday. It’s hard.

I am lucky that I have a flexible job and manager. I certainly am not complaining. But it’s still hard.

Recently I have started staying at work a little later. By later I mean maybe a little after 5 PM. I used to always leave at 4. I am lucky that 5 is as late as I usually stay. Could I stay later and get more done? Absolutely. But that means that Luke is at Punky’s for that much longer. So I can’t do it.

I know Luke loves to be at Punky’s. It appears that he has made some really great friends. AJ, Jett, and Amaya especially. But he is more excited to see me than them. And there is nothing better than seeing his big smile when I walk in.

I struggle everyday with whether to stay late at work or get Luke. Luke always wins. But that means I am doing work after he goes to bed at night. You do what you have to do.

I like my job. I like that I am gaining more responsibility and taking on more. I like being fulfilled in that way. But I also like the other part of my life to be fulfilled as well. I love spending quality time with my hubby and Luke. It is a constant balancing act. I find myself singing the song lyrics “should I stay or should I go now?”

Being the wife of a coach means I do most of the drop off and pick up at Punky's. But golf season is just about over. That means that Wally will be home right after school and can do some of the picking up too. That helps on the days I should stay later at work.

I cherish my nights and weekends with Luke. I try my best to convince myself that the cleaning, laundry, and other stuff can wait. Not forever. But maybe it can be done tomorrow or in the morning instead. Luke will only be ‘this’ old for so long. He will only call me ‘mama’ for so long. So when I am at work, I try to be 100% at work and get things done. When I am at home, I try to be 100% at home. Sometimes I falter to 70/30 or 50/50. But I have to re-balance and continue on.

Being a mom is hard work. No matter if you’re a working mom or a stay at home mom. I can only speak as a working mom. I believe I am a better mom because I work. I struggle a lot with this idea. But in the end this is the conclusion I come to just about every time. I may be judged for it. But I don’t really care.

I am a good mom. I am not too humble to admit that. I know that Wally and I are doing the best job that we can. And Luke is proving to us that we are doing a good job. I know that we have made and will make mistakes along the way. But at the end of the day we have a wonderful, fun-loving, smart son. We must be doing something right.

So I will lay in bed tonight reflecting on the day. There will be things I did right and things I did wrong. But the question always come back to “Are you happy?” And the answer is always a resounding YES.

I am a mom. It’s hard. Everyday. It’s hard.

But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
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So what brought on the thoughts above...Luke cried, I mean CRIED, this morning when I dropped him off at Punky’s. He has not been like that in forever and to that extreme never! It started in the car ride to Punky’s. We were probably 5 minutes away when he started whining “mama” and getting really sad. I literally had to hold his hand in the back while I was driving. It was the sweetest and the saddest thing ever!

Luke started bawling when I got him out of the car. He usually carries the check in for the week and gives it to Jaime who he ALWAYS goes to willingly. Well this morning, he wanted nothing to do with the check or Jaime. He just kept crying and saying “mama”. I tried to console him, but I eventually told myself it is better if I just go. He wasn’t going to calm down while I was still there. I was an absolute mess when I left. I called Wally, who was still driving to work, and cried my eyes out to him. I cried all the way to work and then had to sit in my car for a few minutes to gather myself and my face (like I said, I was a mess!). I kept telling myself he was fine, and he is sitting down eating breakfast and having fun. I called to check on him around 8. Jaime said he was doing great. He sat down for breakfast still crying a bit and trying to catch his breath, but once his friend Jett came in, all was good in Luke’s world. Thank goodness. He was all better…too bad I wasn’t.

What a horrible day! Today was definitely not a day where I was 100% at work. My mind kept wandering to Luke and my life as a working mom. I needed to get my thoughts down so I can move on. I have never really been one to write my thoughts down. I never really kept a journal or diary that I can recall, but sometimes getting it out is the only way to get it out of my head so I can focus on other things. So I am taking advantage of Wally giving Luke a bath and getting my thoughts out!

I have no idea why today was so tough for Luke. But I certainly hope that tomorrow is better.

If you have gotten to this point in this long post, thanks for listening. You must either be family, a really great friend or a mom yourself!