I Am...

Sad. Really sad. I officially become a working mom again next Wednesday. This time is proving to be more difficult than last time. I thought it was supposed to be easier the second time around??? I can't really explain why it is harder, but I know there have been a lot of tears lately. The tears seem to come at random times of the day, but a lot come when Wally and I are laying in bed talking. I am the face Paige has seen and the voice she has heard all day and every.single.day of her life thus far. I know that will continue, but it still makes me upset. The transition starts with Grandma Z. coming next week, then Grammy the following week, then the dreaded daycare drop off. I may be sad, but I know that I have wonderful support and an understanding workplace to help me get over this hump and into our new normal. I am sure this is not the last post you will read about this transition.

Thankful. Very thankful for having a job that allowed me to take nearly 3 1/2 months off to spend with my family. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have this much time, and I made sure not to take this time for granted.

Hopeful. Hopeful that it will get a little easier every time I have to leave my baby girl. It does help seeing how happy Luke is at Punky's and knowing that he will be there with Paige, but it still isn't easy.

Blessed. Extremely blessed to have 2 beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful husband, and amazing family and friends. I do not for a second forget that I am truly blessed in life.

Just Keep Swimming

Finding Nemo is one of Luke's favorite movies and one of our favorite lines in the movie is said by Dory - "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." This is kind of my motto these days!

I guess you could say I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed at work, overwhelmed at home - just overwhelmed. I keep telling myself to just breath, don't stress, take everything one step at a time, just keep swimming.

Work - so much going on. I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it all seems to be happening at once. While I generally thrive on being as busy as I am, I am loving it and hating it right now. On one hand, it is great to be so busy to keep this pregnancy moving, but on the other hand, I know I have to get A LOT of stuff done at work before I go on maternity leave and that is causing some anxiety. I am trying to just prioritize, make lists, and get as much done in a day as I can while still leaving no later than 4:30 otherwise my mommy guilt kicks in times 1,000 and that just makes me stress even more. I have been and will probably continue to go in on Fridays (which is usually my day off or I work from home) until my maternity leave which gives me one less day to get stuff done around the house, hang out with Luke and just rest up for the weekend (which seems to be filled with something every week).

Home - my poor home. It needs a good cleaning. I made a plan to just focus on one room a night. So Monday night I gave our master bathroom a really good cleaning and then I couldn't move. I literally was aching everywhere! Apparently, I super cleaned one room too many and my 31 weeks pregnant body was telling me so. My back was bothering me again (like it was early on in my pregnancy), I was feeling a lot of pressure, which made me nervous, and I just was exhausted. So while our master bath is finally clean, I have yet to get to another room. Some people say to not worry about cleaning right now, but if you know me, you know that if my house isn't clean, I stress about it until it is. So while I have every intention every night of cleaning something, my body starts to ache just thinking about sweeping so I don't. I am hoping that nesting instinct kicks in really soon!

Baby - while we have the big stuff that we need for the baby, we need to find it in the basement and get it set-up. That stuff doesn't stress me out. I know we can knock that out in an afternoon on some free weekend day (which I think we have 3 of those between now and when the baby is due). It is the other stuff - the newborn necessities that I have somehow forgotten. I need to make a list and just get to the store on one of those free afternoons too.

Overall, I am just overwhelmed. I know everything will get done, it always does. So I just keep telling myself to "just keep swimming" and to breathe. This baby does not need stress and neither do I.

In 2 short months, I will re-read this post with my baby girl in my arms and my toddler at my feet and wonder what could have caused such stress knowing that for 3 months I get to spend all of my time with these little miracles. If only hindsight wasn't 20/20.

(Phew, I feel better! This post helped me avoid a major cry that I have felt coming on for the last few days.)

Oh and we did celebrate Easter this year so hopefully I can blog about it soon!

Thoughts for a Monday

I am a working mom. It’s hard. Everyday. It’s hard.

I am lucky that I have a flexible job and manager. I certainly am not complaining. But it’s still hard.

Recently I have started staying at work a little later. By later I mean maybe a little after 5 PM. I used to always leave at 4. I am lucky that 5 is as late as I usually stay. Could I stay later and get more done? Absolutely. But that means that Luke is at Punky’s for that much longer. So I can’t do it.

I know Luke loves to be at Punky’s. It appears that he has made some really great friends. AJ, Jett, and Amaya especially. But he is more excited to see me than them. And there is nothing better than seeing his big smile when I walk in.

I struggle everyday with whether to stay late at work or get Luke. Luke always wins. But that means I am doing work after he goes to bed at night. You do what you have to do.

I like my job. I like that I am gaining more responsibility and taking on more. I like being fulfilled in that way. But I also like the other part of my life to be fulfilled as well. I love spending quality time with my hubby and Luke. It is a constant balancing act. I find myself singing the song lyrics “should I stay or should I go now?”

Being the wife of a coach means I do most of the drop off and pick up at Punky's. But golf season is just about over. That means that Wally will be home right after school and can do some of the picking up too. That helps on the days I should stay later at work.

I cherish my nights and weekends with Luke. I try my best to convince myself that the cleaning, laundry, and other stuff can wait. Not forever. But maybe it can be done tomorrow or in the morning instead. Luke will only be ‘this’ old for so long. He will only call me ‘mama’ for so long. So when I am at work, I try to be 100% at work and get things done. When I am at home, I try to be 100% at home. Sometimes I falter to 70/30 or 50/50. But I have to re-balance and continue on.

Being a mom is hard work. No matter if you’re a working mom or a stay at home mom. I can only speak as a working mom. I believe I am a better mom because I work. I struggle a lot with this idea. But in the end this is the conclusion I come to just about every time. I may be judged for it. But I don’t really care.

I am a good mom. I am not too humble to admit that. I know that Wally and I are doing the best job that we can. And Luke is proving to us that we are doing a good job. I know that we have made and will make mistakes along the way. But at the end of the day we have a wonderful, fun-loving, smart son. We must be doing something right.

So I will lay in bed tonight reflecting on the day. There will be things I did right and things I did wrong. But the question always come back to “Are you happy?” And the answer is always a resounding YES.

I am a mom. It’s hard. Everyday. It’s hard.

But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
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So what brought on the thoughts above...Luke cried, I mean CRIED, this morning when I dropped him off at Punky’s. He has not been like that in forever and to that extreme never! It started in the car ride to Punky’s. We were probably 5 minutes away when he started whining “mama” and getting really sad. I literally had to hold his hand in the back while I was driving. It was the sweetest and the saddest thing ever!

Luke started bawling when I got him out of the car. He usually carries the check in for the week and gives it to Jaime who he ALWAYS goes to willingly. Well this morning, he wanted nothing to do with the check or Jaime. He just kept crying and saying “mama”. I tried to console him, but I eventually told myself it is better if I just go. He wasn’t going to calm down while I was still there. I was an absolute mess when I left. I called Wally, who was still driving to work, and cried my eyes out to him. I cried all the way to work and then had to sit in my car for a few minutes to gather myself and my face (like I said, I was a mess!). I kept telling myself he was fine, and he is sitting down eating breakfast and having fun. I called to check on him around 8. Jaime said he was doing great. He sat down for breakfast still crying a bit and trying to catch his breath, but once his friend Jett came in, all was good in Luke’s world. Thank goodness. He was all better…too bad I wasn’t.

What a horrible day! Today was definitely not a day where I was 100% at work. My mind kept wandering to Luke and my life as a working mom. I needed to get my thoughts down so I can move on. I have never really been one to write my thoughts down. I never really kept a journal or diary that I can recall, but sometimes getting it out is the only way to get it out of my head so I can focus on other things. So I am taking advantage of Wally giving Luke a bath and getting my thoughts out!

I have no idea why today was so tough for Luke. But I certainly hope that tomorrow is better.

If you have gotten to this point in this long post, thanks for listening. You must either be family, a really great friend or a mom yourself!

Somebody said....

This was an email I received - I thought it was blog worthy :)

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby...somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.


Somebody said being a mother is boring...somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.


Somebody said if you're a 'good' mother, your child will turn out 'good'...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.


Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother...somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.


Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first...somebody doesn't have two children.


Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'


Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married...somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home...somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her so you don't need to tell her...somebody isn't a mother.

Little Forever

Last week, Wally and I headed up to bed and popped in to check on Luke and give him one more kiss goodnight. As we were in our room getting ready for bed, Wally said, "I wish he would stay little forever." Without even really thinking, I said, "But then we won't know what he is like when he is bigger?" What??? Did those words just come out of my mouth????? I can't stop thinking that I actually said that.

I am ALWAYS thinking that time is going by way too fast.

I wish the world could just stop for a bit so I could spend more time with my almost-17 month old.

I wish I could go back to those long nights in Luke's first few months. You know the ones where you are praying that your little one will finally fall asleep because you are beyond exhausted.

I wish we could relive and celebrate again each milestone that Luke has reached in his short little life.

I wish I could forever hear his little voice. It is so sweet. Everyday we hear new words.

I wish I could go back to the second that Luke was welcomed into the world by Wally and me. You know, that exact moment when your heart becomes too big for your body.

I wish Luke would stay little forever, just like Wally said.

But deep down, I guess that isn't completely true.

While I LOVE the time I have with my almost-17 month old, I am also very excited to see what my time will be like with my 18-month old, 3 year old, 5 year old, 13 year old, 18 year old. Will Luke's personality change? Will he be as funny as he is now?

While I miss those nights where Luke and I would just rock together in the dark, I am also excited to see him progress to a "big boy" bed and for me to continue to be exhausted. Not because of lack of sleep, but because chasing a toddler is exhausting and so is running a child/teenager from one event to the next. Will his wake-up time change from 5:30 AM as an almost-17 month old to 11 AM as a teenager? Will he be an early bird or a night owl?

While I will never forget the milestones Luke has met so far, I am excited to see all of the other ones he has yet to reach. When will he sing me his ABC's? When will he be asking for the keys?

While I will never forget the sound of your voice and your first words, I am excited to see your vocabulary continue to grow. Will you have a lot to say? Will you have a deep voice?

While I will never forget the exact moment that my heart started beating outside of my body, I am excited to see Luke feel that kind of love with his own child someday. Will his eyes well up with tears the moment he holds his child? Will he want his own child to stay little forever?

While I will never forget wanting Luke to stay little forever, I am excited to see him grow up.

Each age has its own special moments. I am sure we will be wishing Luke will be "this old" forever. We won't ever want him to be a year older. But time doesn't stand still so neither should we. We should enjoy every second of everyday.

I am sure our parents had these same thoughts when we were little. But now, look at us, we are big. We are grown-ups with our own family. But we still need our parents. They are still a huge part of our lives. So I remind myself that no matter how small or how big, Luke will still need us. We will always be a part of his life.

So Lukey, I am certainly not wishing away your childhood, and I really am ok if time stands still just for a bit :)

But keep growing baby boy - we are with you every step of the way!

A First

I never have a problem dropping Luke off at Punky's in the morning. Well, I shouldn't exactly say that. Everyday I feel that mommy guilt. Everyday. I walk back to my car after saying "love you, have fun, bye bye" and wish that I could spend the whole day with him instead of going to work, but then I remember how happy and excited he is to see Jamie in the morning and try to get on with my day as best I can. Lately he has been almost taking off out of my arms before I can even get a hug and a kiss in there. He hears the kids in the other room and heads straight to his chair to eat some breakfast. The only time the mornings are a little rough is when Jamie isn't there and Punky greets everyone in the morning. The kids all love Punky, but they don't love seeing her in the morning. It totally throws them off and Luke is included. Jamie was off last week for a couple of days and Luke was a little hesitant to go in the first day and the second day he full out cried (broke my heart). So we are always thankful when we see Jamie there in the morning, luckily she barely takes any time off!

Pick up time is always great. As excited as he is when I drop him off in the morning, Luke is at least 10 times more excited to see me (or Wally) when I pick him up and that makes me a very happy momma! His little legs go as fast as they can to get to me and I get the biggest hug and smile ever! He waves and says bye to everyone and off we go.

But today was different. He was still just as equally excited to see me, but he wasn't quite ready to go home!

I pulled up to the house and went to walk into the house, but the door was locked, which means the kids are in the backyard. So I headed to the back and as I peaked over the fence, I saw Lukey running out of the house into the backyard. He seemed super excited to get outside! Punky unlocked the gate for me, and he saw me as soon as I walked in. He came running up to me, like always, but then he just as quickly pointed to the yard and said 'ball'. He was off to get the basketball that was in the grass. And then he was off to climb on this tiny tricycle they have out there, and then he was off to stand on the scooter with training wheels, then he was off to try to climb the slide steps (until he was told to get down), and then.....he just kept going. Everytime I tried to tell him it was time to go home, he would run off to do something else. He just got outside, he wasn't ready to leave. So we played for a bit with everyone and then unfortunately, I had to just pick him up and go. He was not happy for about, oh 10 seconds. Once he saw the car, he was good. But that was a first...he was having too much fun to go home. He loves being outside! We finally made it home and had our own fun! We made mini pizzas (on english muffins) and Luke helped to sprinkle the cheese - he thought that was pretty cool. Although it was a 'some cheese for the pizza and some cheese for me' kind of a deal! :)